What I learned from running

I’m not going to lie.  That was hard. 

 It was cold and rainy all morning. Since I have lost weight I have been so bone chilling cold.  All winter long.  It has been the bane of my winter.  I am so tired of being cold. I am so tired of having cold feet.  Every time I have trained outside and it was cold I wanted to quit.  I hate running in the cold.  I hate being cold.  It was cold this morning.  And rainy.

Just standing around waiting for the race to start was so overwhelming for me.  Everyone looked so much better than me.  It was barely drizzling when the race started, but still cold. Around mile 1 I got the worst side stitch of my life.  It hurt to breathe.  Everybody was passing me- even old men.  Andy agreed to stay with me.  But I still felt alone.  I was so discouraged that everybody was so much better than me at this.  I kept playing my old tapes in my head:

“You are a failure”

“You can’t be good at this”

“You’re not going to win, so just quit.”

“God must not love you or it would be sunny out today.”

I just couldn’t turn off the tapes.  I really felt like this was the stupidest thing I have ever done.  I would run a little and then walk back and forth, passing people who would later pass me when I was walking.  My friends were long gone.  I was at the back of the back.  I just wanted to cry.  There was no point in giving up.  I just had to run the race. 

I had tracked out before time where the half way point would be.  Around it I told Andy to leave me or stop yelling at me, but I didn’t want to hear him anymore.  I turned my music up really loud.  And, for the first time in the race, I just concentrated on the beat.  I focused on running the race for me.  I just focused.  I hit my stride.

Around mile 4 I realized that I was ahead of pace with my music.  I was beating my best time so far.  Yes, I might have been behind the pack, but the race I was running for me, I was beating.   I was winning my own race. 

57:55- That was my time.  Nearly 3 minutes faster than my best time on the treadmill.  My best time yet.  It hurt like crazy.  I didn’t want to eat my omelet. (this was the Souders 19^th Annual Egg Run http://www.saudereggs.com/2011EasterEggRun.htm)  I felt like my insides were about to burst outside.  I wanted to vomit.

So here is what I learned:

My demons are still there.  Satan still knows what to whisper in my ear.  I really just need to grip God more and listen to him.  I have to run the race for me.  I can’t focus on anyone else. 

Isn’t this the truth in life?  Too often I live my life wondering what everyone else will think.  I live life just hoping not to come in last.  I don’t want to look like a looser.  I look around me.  But I need to just look at Jesus.  I need to focus on the tasks he gave me.  I need to look at the talent he gave me.  I need to lean on him for my strength- not Andy, not others.

I have to look on Jesus alone.

Rescue by Newsong:

You are the Source of light
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You
I need You, Jesus
Come to my rescue
Where else could I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me

1st Race

So as many have noticed lately, I’ve lost a little weight.  It has truly been transforming.  As Andy often points out, I now have confidence.  This confidence has helped me see who I am in Jesus too.  I feel like I better understand the verse “old things are passed away.  Behold, all things are become new.”  I am a new creation in Christ and in my new body.

The point of all this being:  I signed up for a 5K.  It was something I never had a desire to do.  I am not a runner.  I hate running.  But I needed motivation to hit my 3^rd of 4 goals. (Which I am <1 lbs away from.) So talking to one of my friends one night I mentioned a 5K and she found us a race (thank you Carla).  As soon as I signed up I cried.  Not tears of sadness mind you.  Tears of joy.  Tears of happiness.  Tears of Awe.  Awe that I could do something I never thought possible.  Something that wasn’t possible last year at this time. 

But also in those tears were fear.  Fear of Failure.  I am terribly afraid of failing.  I don’t sign up for things that I could possibly fail at.  I lived 32 years by the motto: If I know I won’t win, than why bother trying. It’s what held me back in High School.  It’s the cloud that has hung over my head all my life.  It’s what I gave up 10 months ago when I decided to be healthy.

So as I set out on Saturday for my 5 MILE run (oops, it turned out to be 5 miles, not a 5K).  I officially conquer my motto.  I conquer my fear.  I turn over a new leaf.  And even if I don’t come in first (or hopefully not last), I know that I ran this for me.  I did this with the strength that God gave me.  

One of my favorite things about training for this race has been tinkering with my play list.  I love music.  I always have a tune running through my head.  So getting my playlist wasn’t about finding songs, it was about finding the right songs.  So, I tinkered quite a bit.  Some of them just make me smile.  Some of them are about the words.  Some of them are about the beat.  Some of them just make me want to keep moving. So here is my list for Saturday. 

King of Anything by Sara Bareilles

Forever by Chris Brown  (Come on, who couldn’t love Jim and Pam’s wedding song?)

Two Princes by Spin Doctors (takes me back to High School)

Firework by Katy Perry (I hate Katy Perry, but the words are good to this song)

Waiting for the End by Linkin Park (“wishing I had strength to stand”)

Perfect by Pink (“change the voices in my head, make them like me instead”)

Breathless by the Corrs (this song was popular when Sara was born so I have it for that reason.)

Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry

Hollywood by Michael Buble

Your Love is my Drug by Ke$ha-  (This song is a joke between Andy and I)

Crawl by Chris Brown (“So we’ll crawl until we can walk again, we run until we’re strong enough to fly.”)

The Climb by Miley Cyrus (I know it’s a teeny bopper song, but very inspirational)

Because We Can by Fatboy Slim (Because I can, can, can.)

Move Along by the All American Rejects (recommended by Phil)

I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth (recommended by Carla)

Gettin’ Jiggy Wit it by Will Smith (right back to High School again.)

Waiting for the End by Linkin Park  (Because I will still be waiting for the end.)

Forever by Chris Brown

Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars (I know it’s stupid, but when I hear this I remember that this is how God feels for me.)

Love Song by Sara Bareilles- cool down